Everyone is lining up to run for President of the United States, especially now that Oprah has pulled out of the ring even before she was in it. This development makes me think I have a chance. Heck, my qualifications are certainly as good as Kanye West’s.
I was born on the same day as Thomas Jefferson, which must count for something. As one of the Founding Fathers, he penned the Declaration of Independence, which most Americans confuse with the Bill of Rights and the Gettysburg Address.
Unfortunately, our fellow Americans don’t know the first thing about history or government or the Amazon return policy. They’re more interested in Sofia Vergara, who can’t run for president because she was born in Colombia, and George Clooney, who’d love to run for president even though he’ll have to get in line behind the rest of Hollywood.
I’d be the first Italian in the White House, which means there’d be some good home cooking at state dinners, not to mention entertainment by Tony Bennett and Lady Gaga, another countrywoman. And my first executive order would be “No Ragu allowed. Only homemade gravy.”
I also have practical experience governing the hoi polloi. I was the president of my junior class and served on the Student Council, which was a puppet government like Vichy France. It was a rubber stamp for the Marist brothers, who made us wear jackets and ties and kept us away from the girls.
I still remember Brother Kelly, our principal, admonishing the student body before the election: “This isn’t a popularity contest! Choose someone with intelligence!” But no one listened to him. Intelligence doesn’t factor into national politics, so why should the Student Council be any different?
In high school, I was a low-fat version of Michael Moore. Fortunately, I’ve evolved. Now I’m older and wiser, which means I don’t have political views. Naturally, this deficiency could hurt my candidacy, because opinions, misguided or otherwise, are the only thing a politician has besides his slush fund.
I suppose I could invent some political views that would appeal to the masses and the elites alike. And I’m pretty good at making promises I can’t keep — just ask my wife.
Fifty years ago, every ambitious kid in America wanted to be president … at least until they realized they could make a lot more money working as bankers for Goldman Sachs or as licensed plumbers.
Nowadays everyone with a Grammy, Emmy or Oscar wants to sit in the Oval Office. The entertainment industry is the new training ground for our political leaders. Ronald Reagan was a power of example for Donald Trump, who taught us anything is possible with enough money.
Jay Z has been mentioned as possible candidates, and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson says he’d consider running on a ticket with Tom Hanks. Arnold Schwarzenegger is also interested.
Let’s not forget the powerhouse Kim Kardashian, who has 98 million followers on Instagram and could win any presidential popularity contest hands down. Only 139 million people voted in the 2016 election, so with all her followers, Kim could move into the White House tomorrow. Plus, she speaks eloquently on issues that are important to young people. When she was interviewed in Harper’s Bazaar, she clarified her position on a topic of interest to every American — derrières.
“I don’t get why everyone is always going on about my butt,” she said. “I’m Armenian. It’s normal. My butt is probably not as big as you might think because I have small legs and a small waist, which makes it appear bigger.”
I, for one, believe America would be a better country if we spent more time talking about keisters and less time talking about the federal deficit.
With their popularity, celebrities could revive the Democratic Party. Taylor Swift has 100 million followers on Instagram, Beyoncé, 99.7 million, Kylie Jenner (half-sister of Kim), 91.8 million, Justin Bieber, 84.5 million, “The Rock,” 83.4 million, and Kendall Jenner (half-sister of Kim), 78.7 million.
(The Kardashian clan is so powerful they could be the new Kennedy dynasty.)
Let’s look on the bright side. If a celebrity wins the presidential election, we could move the White House to Los Angeles, where it belongs. That’s great news for Democrats and Republicans alike. In fact, if I’m elected president, I promise the White House will be moved to Sunset Strip or Rodeo Drive or, better yet, Universal Studios.
Editor’s note: This is Joe Pisani’s 500th column for the HAN Network. Congratulations, Joe!