Larry King, 81, is waiting for that fateful day when he croaks, so they can freeze his body and he can come back in 200 years when we have the technology to put him back together in a new and improved format, something along the lines of Larry King 2.0.
They’ll pump a sort of antifreeze into his veins and perform some sci-fi procedures that you normally only see on reruns of Star Trek and The Twilight Zone. Then, they’ll pop his body into a canister with other family members and friends and turn down the temperature until he becomes like a Popsicle. (Sometimes they just preserve your head, which is cheaper and saves space because they can store a lot more heads in the canister.)
Since he doesn’t believe in the afterlife, this is his only hope to continue to live the good life with his wife, who is a lot younger, although not young enough to hang around waiting for him to come back. Cryonics, as the process is called, is based on the belief that someday there will be technology that can revive the dead — this, however, has nothing to do with the zombie apocalypse. Since the future is unknown, anything is possible, even interest on our passbook savings accounts and the Mets winning the World Series.
Other celebrities who plan to have their bodies cryonically preserved include Paris Hilton and Simon Cowell. You have to wonder whether the future will be worse if they come back. Do we really want the Kardashian clan to return from the freezer 200 years from now? Does humanity need another round of Kim and Kanye?
It’s a basic human desire. We all want to keep living long after we get our AARP membership cards, and we all want to look as good as Christie Brinkley — even guys.
Last year, the earth-shattering news was that she turned 60 and looked 35. There were an estimated 79,362 stories that gushed “Christie is 60 and DOESN’T SHE LOOK FABULOUS!” And “Don’t you wish YOU were Christie?” Well, Christie just turned 61 and the stories have started again, which makes me wonder whether this is going to be an annual event like Mardi Gras and Halloween.
At 61, it’s time for her to start acting her age, as my late mother would say, and not acting 26. Please, Christie, get old so we don’t have to hear about how young you look on your 70th birthday.
At least she’s sharing her secret. It’s her specially formulated anti-aging concoction made of amino acids and olive oil. Be the first in your assisted living home to buy this beauty aid.
Getting old is a curse for celebrities. For the rest of us, it’s just something we do whether we like it or not.I’d like a long life, but not necessarily eternal life on Earth, which means I’m not in favor of the freeze-dry preservation plan. I can’t afford it anyway.
Nevertheless, there’s good news for those of us who aren’t inclined toward cryonics. A study begun in the 1930s and published in Psychological Science concluded that people with certain personality traits live the longest. The traits, none of which I have although I’m trying to acquire them, are, for men, conscientiousness and openness to new ideas. And for women, emotional stability and agreeableness.
Here’s more valuable advice. If you want a long, healthy life, eat a lot of raw vegetables, which to my thinking is better than being holed up in a canister filled with liquid nitrogen for a few centuries.
Communities that share certain practices have the greatest longevity, including Sardinia, Italy; Okinawa, Japan; and Ikaria, Greece, where there are more healthy people over 90 than anywhere else on Earth.
Their secrets are simple — avoid red meat, exercise, do manual labor, eat fruits and vegetables, shun processed food, have a close-knit family, care for one another, and cultivate a sense of spirituality.
If you do that, you won’t have to worry about coming back in this life because there’s another one waiting for you — plus, you’ll get to keep your head.
Joe Pisani can be reached at [email protected]